The Good Wife -- er, Life: June 2015

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

TueDuesday: Be Cool: How to Mix Up Some Summery Seasonal Cocktails

Welcome back to TueDuesday: A Weekly Series on Self Improvement (and Self Preservation), where I’ll share some of the hard-earned tips and tricks that have made their way up my sleeve after well over a decade of living alone in the city.

TueDuesday goes out to all of you who have ever bravely moved into your very own apartment, only to encounter a cockroach the size of a well-fed hamster. Barefoot. In the middle of the night. To all the ambitious drinkers who ever wanted to score the bartender’s number (and to the many of us who have failed, only to bravely try again). To the pasta fiends. To the Facebook lurkers. To the happy, the hopeful, and the possibly hung-over guys and gals like me, navigating the city streets – or the country roads – without benefit of a map or a significant other. Whether you’re chronically single, newly separated or happily coupled up and just looking for a way to make the occasional table for one a little more fun, there’s something here for you.

Like what you see? Pass it along! Strongly disagree? Say so in the comments! (Respectfully, please; after growing up with the last name Blewett, my ego can only take so much.) Have an idea for a future TueDuesday post? Send it over! And keep in touch, via Twitter @LeahKBlewett and Instagram @leahkblewett.

Happy TueDuesday!

TueDuesday, June 30, 2015

Be Cool: How to Mix Up Some Summery Seasonal Cocktails

It’s hot. It’s humid. It’s happy hour.

Today, I’m proud to introduce you to some of my talented bar buddies as we learn how to fix something a little nicer than the glass of box wine on ice that may or may not be sitting on a coaster beside my keyboard as I type. Along the way, we’ll encounter some easy-to-make ingredients and crucial tips and tricks that you should add to your repertoire, as well as a few of my favorite unusual and delicious liquors that definitely deserve a place on your home bar. Let’s dive right in…

Mexican Mule

Mike Nice

Réunion Surf Bar (Manhattan)

This smoky, tangy, herbaceous, it-shouldn’t-work-but-it-does summer sipper is an off the wall combination, but somehow, the savory mezcal lightens the tart passion fruit, which makes the basil even more fragrant, which complements the bubbly ginger beer. The trick to this cocktail, from a high-volume bar where every second counts during prime time, is that basil is delicate, and as long as you shake vigorously, you’ll bruise it sufficiently to release the flavor without muddling – saving you one extra utensil to wash and precious seconds of prep time. Translation: you get to drink sooner. I’ll raise a glass to that.

1.5 oz. mezcal

.5 oz. fresh lime juice

.25 oz. passion fruit juice

.25 oz. Yellow Chartreuse

2 to 3 fresh basil leaves

dash agave

ginger beer

Combine all ingredients except ginger beer and shake vigorously; strain over ice and top with ginger beer. Garnish with a fresh basil leaf.

Empire Sunset

Sotir Zonea

BEA (Manhattan)

Let’s start getting creative: infusing your own spirits is a simple and delicious way to enhance your drinking (or at least turn that bottle of well tequila that’s sitting around gathering dust into something drinkable). Alcohol is a flavor sponge, and chances are, if you think something will taste good with a given spirit, it will. Start with vodka if you’re nervous (DIY citron vodka is as easy as a handful of lemon peel and 24 to 48 hours of patience), then graduate to less neutral spirits and let culinary flavor combinations be your guide (as they are here, with tequila and jalapenos). Just don’t ask me to share my grapefruit-rosemary gin, because, um, it might be gone already. Gulp.

1.5 oz. jalapeno-infused tequila

Cut several jalapeno peppers in half (depending on desired spiciness) and allow to steep for at least 24 hours. Strain through a colander and return to the bottle, being sure to note on the label that this ain’t your gramma’s tequila. Or don’t, and watch the flame throwing commence at your next house party!

.75 oz. St. Germain

.75 oz. lime juice

.5 oz. Aperol

Pellegrino Aranciata

Combine all ingredients except Pellegrino Aranciata, shake, and strain over ice into a rocks glass; top with Pellegrino Aranciata. Garnish with an orange twist.

Short Pants

Remee Klos

Joe’s Bar (Manhattan)

On to the next house-made goodie: making your own simple syrup is, get this, simple. You need nothing more than very hot water and regular white granulated sugar. Combine them in equal measure, dissolve the sugar completely, and allow the syrup to cool to room temperature. BOOM. Say buh-bye to gag-inducing grocery store sour mix and hello to the best damned margaritas you’ve ever made by yourself.

1.5 oz. Bombay gin

.75 oz. Pimm’s

.5 z. Yellow Chartreuse

.5 oz. fresh lemon juice

splash simple syrup

dash orange bitters

Combine ingredients and shake; serve up in a chilled martini glass.

White Star

Jon Arroyo

Founding Farmers (DC)

Now that you’ve mastered infusing spirits and making simple syrup, why not infuse your syrups with delicious things?? For this recipe, you’re using mint; unlike alcohol, simple syrup is a bit more reticent about picking up flavors, so I’m all for pureeing a couple of mint leaves into the syrup and leaving it at that. If you really want it clear and pretty and all that, steep the mint in the hot water before combining it with the sugar, the same way that you would a tea. When the flavor is strong, prep your syrup from there. You’re so fancy.

1 oz. Hendrick’s gin

1 oz. Bacardi Heritage rum

.75 oz. fresh lime juice

.75 oz. mint syrup

1 cucumber slice

6 to 8 mint leaves

2 dashes mint bitters

Muddle mint, cucumber, bitters, and citrus. Add remaining ingredients and shake vigorously. Strain over crushed ice and garnish with fresh mint, cucumber, and a lemon.

Perro Salado (or El Salty Dog)

Ernesto Coronado

El Vez (Manhattan)

This recipe calls for chipotle agave, which is a simple as stirring chipotle powder into your agave syrup; the real trick here is the rim job: citrus-infused salt to give the drink a little something extra. Zest a citrus of your choice (lime works especially well, because the zest is so dry) and stir the zest into some kosher salt to taste. Allow it to sit, covered, in a cool place for several days to really let the flavor develop. In the meantime, you can try any of the other cocktails listed above. Geez, don’t be so impatient! Delicious takes time. To rim a glass, rub the lip with a piece of citrus (in this case, lemon, grapefruit, or lime is appropriate), then dip the rim into a dish of your citrus salt. It should go without saying, but because I’ve known some truly behind-the-eight-ball bartenders in my time: do this before the cocktail is in the glass.

1.5 oz. mezcal

1 oz. grapefruit juice

.75 oz. chipotle agave

.5 oz. tequila

.5 oz. Campari

.5 oz. St. Germain

.5 oz. lemon juice

Shake and serve on the rocks with a citrus salt rim.

Summer Julep

Toby Maloney

The Patterson House (Nashville)

Some drinks demand specific ingredients and no homemade accompaniments. Such is the case with this summer sipper from 2015 James Beard Award winner Toby Maloney. Two distinct spirits. A rare raspberry liqueur. Fresh mint, rubbed lovingly on the inside of the glass. A moment to steep (and reflect). And then…a cocktail worth waiting for, just like a perfect summer sunset.

1 oz. Elijah Craig 12-year bourbon whiskey

1 oz. Henry McKenna 80 bourbon whiskey or Encanto Pisco

.5 oz. St. George Raspberry Liqueur

11 drops lemon bitters

3 mint sprigs

Gently bruise mint and drag up the sides of the tin. Add liquid; allow to steep for 1 minute. Add crushed ice; swizzle; top with additional ice as necessary; garnish with a lemon twist.

No go get drunk, you magnificent bunch of booze hounds, you! For my part, I'm off to refill this glass with something a little more ambitious than box wine on ice.

Next Week: Get your helmets on, ‘cause we’re going to war and learning How to Thwart a Roach Invasion!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

TueDuesday: Take Me Out to the Ball Game: How to Love Baseball (and Why You Should)

Happy TueDuesday!

TueDuesday, June 23, 2015

Take Me Out to the Ball Game: How to Love Baseball (and Why You Should)

This is going to be a quicker-than-normal TueDuesday because I myself am going to a baseball game later on this evening (let’s go, Yankees!). As for the impetus behind this one, let’s just say I can’t stand to hear another person tell me that baseball is boring. Baseball is the opposite of boring. And unlike the NCAA (a billion-dollar industry that can’t be bothered to compensate its players), the NHL (where players unrepentantly pummel each other like gladiators), FIFA (hellooooo, corruption indictments!), and the NFL (don’t even get me started), the MLB is perhaps the most benign of all major sports organizations. The game demands skill and practice, and burly bruisers interested only in inflicting pain need not apply. Heck, the biggest villain in baseball is Alex Rodriguez, and if I could get past his famously slimy personality and frequent herpes outbreaks, I might even find him kind of endearing.

I’m going to start posing when I successfully slide, too. Less impressive in co-ed softball, but still.

So here you go: from a baseball fan born to and raised by baseball fans…

…here’s how to watch (and enjoy) a baseball game.

For starters, go see a game live. Most anyone who complains about watching baseball on TV has no problem actually going to a game, partly because, y’know, beer and hot dogs, and partly because there’s something very exciting about actually being there when the crowd goes wild. Which they do, reliably, after every home run. Sing along to “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” try to get on the Jumbotron, boo the opposing pitcher. On a sunny summer day, there’s nothing not to like about a baseball game.

Wow, you’re thinking, that really wasn’t so bad. On to the next step: go watch a game at a bar. Find a sports bar with a solid following and plan to arrive about 30 minutes ahead of the first pitch, so you can secure a seat at the bar, your beverage of choice, and some finger food before the game begins. Next, make friends with your neighbors. Fellow fans will usually be easy to identify, wearing jerseys or caps, and if all else fails, chances are the bartender knows a thing or two. As you’re watching the game, if something happens that you don’t understand, ask what the heck is going on. Baseball is a game of strategy and nuance, and the more you know, the more there is to know.

This is a great excuse to make friends at the bar, even when I’m alone! Yes, young padawan, it is. But there’s an even greater challenge awaiting you. It’s time to watch a game at home, alone. Listen to the commentators, who (though usually inane) will give you some insight into what is happening and why. Try and guess what’s happening before it’s announced, and try to determine why. And yes, okay, fine: you can totally open a beer and order a pizza. Just pay attention, too!

Now that you get the game, have some fun with baseball culture: watch Bull Durham, perhaps my favorite movie of all time (and fun fact: the way that Susan Sarandon met Tim Robbins!). Pick a favorite team and start getting to know the players. At least one of them will be hot; it’s some kind of obscure MLB by-law. Try to catch a minor-league game at the local affiliate of a bigger club. Minor league games are a blast, with less action on the field but all kinds of give-aways, prizes, theme nights and the like to make up for it. Finally, share your newfound love of baseball with your friends. And then, start all over again and take them out to the ball game. As for me, I’m outta here – and I don’t care if I ever get back, ‘cause it’s root, root, root for the Yankees; if they don’t win it’s a shame.

A real shame, because we’re playing the Phillies, and while I love Chase Utley (see below), they are just awful this year.

Next week: Fire up your martini shakers, because we’re learning How to Make Super Summery Cocktails at Home, with bonus guest appearances from some of my favorite bartenders! Gulp.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

TueDuesday: A Tisket, A Tasket: How to Pack a Picnic Basket

Happy TueDuesday!

TueDuesday, June 16, 2015

A Tisket, A Tasket: How to Pack a Picnic Basket

Here we are at the height of summer, and there’s no better place to be than Central Park:

The sun really does look like that. It's some kind of New York magic.

Even if you’re not in the world’s greatest city (and hoo, boy, do not try to argue with me on that one), surely there’s a grassy spot somewhere nearby where you can spread out a blanket and enjoy a meal and a cocktail al fresco. So this week, let’s take a moment to look ahead from the confines of our jobs to those blissful hours of freedom and learn How to Pack a Picnic.

First things first: You need a headcount. Are you packing for yourself? Or contributing to a potluck picnic? Leading a small group? Or preparing for a sunshine-y summertime date?

You snuggling couples are the ants at my single-girl picnic.

For the purposes of this post, we’ll anticipate a picnic of two (how’s that for wildly optimistic?) and you can adjust your portions up or down accordingly. The foundation of any picnic is its basket, so start simple and choose a vessel. If you have one of those adorable pre-packed picnic baskets with plastic wine goblets and a picture-perfect checkered blanket stowed neatly inside, by all means, use it – but you’re probably not the intended audience of this post. For those without such finery, an old-fashioned backpack is a surprisingly good choice, as it’s easier to carry when laden with a 3L sack of wine slushies (which I am getting to, I swear). Athletic and hiking packs are also convenient, since they’re usually heavily lined and will wick away the natural enemy of soft foods in the wild: condensation. My softball bag has routinely proved picnic-worthy, thanks to the side holsters for bats (also a great place to stow a drink or a baguette), the pouch for cleats at the bottom (where my picnic blanket and its attendant grass clippings are separate from the food), and the cozy padded back and straps.

Once you’ve chosen your picnic “basket,” it’s time to consider the time of day. High noon picnics are going to be exposed to dazzling sunlight, while evening picnics might get chilly. Select a blanket accordingly. A friend of mine has a tapestry you’d expect to see hanging in a stoner’s dorm room; it’s a surprisingly good picnic blanket, and lightweight to pack and carry. On the other hand, a vinyl tablecloth for outdoor use can easily be flipped upside down: you sit on the soft side that’s meant to grip the picnic table’s grain, and the shiny surface beneath keeps any wetness in the grass from seeping up into your shorts. Because nothing ruins a picnic like looking as though you peed yourself.

Basket: check. Blanket: check. Now, on to the good part: prep your wine slushies. You’ll need about 24 hours’ notice for these babies, but they’re born picnic fare, and have recently become my favorite thing to bring to the beach, too. First, swallow your pride and buy a box of wine (the numerous other merits of boxed wine are a different TueDuesday entirely). If you insist on being fancy, do a little Google-ing; there are tons of Not Franzia options, you bougie diva. When you get home, take the bag out of the box. Tempting though it may be, do not open the tap! You’ll have leakage. Instead, put the bag in your freezer overnight.

That’s it. Seriously. When you wake up, the water in the wine will have frozen; the alcohol will have stayed liquid; you will have a three-liter sack’o’slushie that doubles as an ice pack for your bag and, once melted, will still be frosty cold white or pink wine. It’s sealed for easy, leak-free transport, and no beverage container is lighter weight than a simple bag.

Now, on to food. Virtually anything can become picnic food, but some fare better than others; we’ve all had a sad, soggy picnic PB&J, haven’t we? I’m partial to anything relatively hard (yes, I know that’s what she said) and pretty much anything that can be packed in Tupperware. If, like me, your kitchen budget does not include one of those darling color-coordinated multi-packs of plastic food containers, may I suggest saving your own? Splurge on a pint of Talenti gelato and you’ve got a pint-sized hard plastic container with a screw-top lid, perfect for pasta salad or, if you’re going knife-less, an apple, pre-cut and reassembled, then held together with a rubber band to prevent browning. Which reminds me: hard cheeses, cured meats, crudite…these can all be cut in advance to save you the hassle of packing a knife. Not least because after a bag of wine slushies, you definitely don’t need to be handling sharp objects. As for other self-made Tupperware, you’re likely only one night of Chinese take-out away from all the quart cups and small condiment containers you could ever want or need.

Don’t feel like packing your own? Raid the condiment counter the next time you’re out for burgers and bam: ketchup, mustard, relish, the works. Hummus is reliable picnic fare, since you can dip nearly anything into it; ditto peanut butter, especially if you sneak a bar of dark chocolate into your bag up against the slushie sack so it’s good and cold when you break it out. Sandwiches tend not to survive picnics, so unless you’re prepared to assemble on-site (and fearless about consuming lukewarm mayo, which as a rule I will not do despite my undying love for The People’s Condiment), skip hoagies and go a little more Euro / DIY with meats, cheeses, and a crusty baguette or a couple of hard rolls.

When you’re packing your picnic, keep in mind that heavier items go on the bottom, and do your best to store cold food near the slushie sack. Along the same lines as the knife: choose finger foods whenever possible and include plenty of napkins, plus cups and plates; silverware is optional if you’ve packed properly. And with that…Ta-da! Look at you! You’re all packed up and ready to go.

Pick a destination and get picnicking, kids. I’m already daydreaming about spending my Sunday afternoon sprawled out on a blanket in Central Park, and it’s only TueDuesday.

Next week: Buy me some peanuts and Crackerjack and ban “boring” from your vocabulary as we learn How to Watch a Baseball Game!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

TueDuesday: Dress Up Your Digits: The Tuxedo Manicure

Happy TueDuesday!

TueDuesday, June 9, 2015

Dress Up Your Digits: The Tuxedo Manicure

With deadlines pressing down on me from all sides, this week’s TueDuesday is a true twofer: I need a manicure, and I don’t have any damned time to get one or money to pay for one. Instead, here’s one of my favorite tricks to make your fingertips look lovely with surprisingly little effort: The Tuxedo Manicure. James Bond-style martini optional (but strongly encouraged…just wait until they’re dry!)

First, let’s talk supplies.

You’ll need…

*** An emery board. Maybe your natural nails are less unruly than mine, and to that I say, lucky you. But mine get jagged if I so much as think about touching anything harder than my pillow, so I always give them a quick file to smooth out the edges and even out the length before I start painting.

*** A light, solid color for your ring fingers. They’re the ones suiting up, so neutral pink or beige is a good choice. White makes for a dramatic contrast. I myself am a fan of unusual colors, so that lavender you see? That’s the dress shirt to my fingernail tuxedo.

*** A second, contrasting color for the rest of your nails. You can always paint them all the same color, but a subtle contrast here is a great way to tie the look into the rest of your outfit (or match your pedicure without being all Barbie about it). I’m using the same shimmery gold currently adorning my tooties. If you chose white as your background for the tux, consider going all-out and painting the rest of your nails drop-dead red. You’ve just earned that martini, girl.

*** A black nail art pen. Mine is Sally Hansen, because I am nothing if not frugal (the glamourous life of abject writerly poverty that I chose has its drawbacks), but you can just as easily use any brand you like. You can also opt for a paint marker from any arts-and-crafts store, as long as you choose an ultra-fine point, or even a black Sharpie in an absolute emergency. Keep in mind that these will tend to bleed more than nail pens when you apply your topcoat, and this manicure won’t last a minute without one, so it can’t hurt to spring for the real thing. And while black is definitely the tux-iest looking color, feel free to play around! I love my metallic paint markers, and no one ever said you couldn’t contrast your bowtie with your buttons and cummerbund. It’s a manicure, not a mandate. Let’s have some fun.

*** A quick-drying topcoat. The Sally Hansen “Dries Instantly” really does, and it doesn’t get goopy the way other topcoats can, so that’s my move.

On to the action! The only really critical part here is letting your nails dry before attempting to draw on your tuxedos, then letting the designs dry before sealing them in place with topcoat. I’ll be tempting fate and multi-tasking by typing while they dry, but if you’ve been waiting to binge-watch 30 Rock, fire up Netflix and kick back for an hour or two while you complete this process.

Another quick note before we begin: it’s likely that you’ll eff this up at least once. No worries – it’s just nail polish! Remove it and start again. That’s why I start with the ring fingers: they’re the most difficult, and if I need to do over, I don’t risk ruining all of my other nails with polish remover.

Hand steady? Martini fixins at the ready? Polishes selected? Nail pen acquired? Let’s do this.

Start with your light, solid color and paint each of your ring fingers. I’m assuming most of you know home-manicure basics, but it bears repeating that you should aim to get the color as close as possible to your cuticles without touching them. If you do, take the polish off and start over; otherwise, it will dry connected to the cuticle, creating a ragged edge that will peel up as your nail grows away from the nailbed. This will probably take at least two coats, but I try to avoid going up to three, if I can, in order to save myself from spending the rest of my day and night waiting for the final product to dry. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Once your ring fingers are painted, the fun really begins: bust out your nail pen. I find that mine gets a little ornery about how long I tend to wait between uses, so maybe try out the tip on a paper towel until it’s running smoothly. Then, give yourself a black French manicure.

If you’re worried about the steadiness of your hand while doing this, start with a very narrow line at the absolute tip of your nail and draw backwards from there. You’re only doing one nail per hand, so they needn’t be absolutely the same width, anyway. People are going to be way too captivated by your clever nail art to notice. You will also probably get some ink on your skin. This is totally okay, especially if you went with a nail art pen: once you paint on the topcoat, it will seal the ink onto your nails and allow it to wash right off your skin like nothing was ever there. Next, draw an X near your nailbed.

Easy, right? You’re doing great. Now, close off the two triangles and color them in.

Hard part: virtually over! Now, just draw three little dots between the center of the X and the French tip.

Your nails look so adorably formal! Now let them dry, then seal in your design with topcoat. Finally, paint the rest of your nails with your second, contrasting color. Check you out! Your hands look playful and colorful, perfect for a summer wedding or a night out with friends. You’d never know, looking at my nails, that I spent this entire sunny summer TueDuesday indoors typing, would you??

I’ve got to get back to the deadline grind, but in the interest of keeping you coming back (and myself on my self-imposed weekly schedule), here’s the first-ever TueDuesday Teaser…

Next week: get ready for DIY wine slushies (it’s way easier than you think) as we learn How to Pack a Picnic!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

TueDuesday: Dancing with Myself: On Attending a Wedding Alone

Welcome back to TueDuesday: A (Mostly) Weekly Series on Self Improvement (and Self Preservation), where I share some of the hard-earned tips and tricks that have made their way up my sleeve after well over a decade of living alone in the city.

Happy TueDuesday!

TueDuesday, June 2, 2015

Dancing with Myself: Attending a Wedding Alone

Welcome to Wedding Season, and happy TueDuesday! It has been entirely too long, and clearly my TueDuesday on “How to Stop Procrastinating” still needs some work, so let’s pour one out instead for all of those lucky June brides and learn How to Attend a Wedding Alone.

At this point in my life, I’ve attended nearly a dozen weddings as a full-fledged adult (read: as a wedding guest who isn’t shooed dismissively away from the open bar), most of them alone. It’s not that my friends are cheap or selfish and wouldn’t spring for a date; most of them offered (exceptions to this statement: you know who you are). But the truth is, when RSVP time came, I just wasn’t seeing anyone special enough to ask my newlywed pals to buy him dinner. Or else I was so steadfastly single that the prospect of limiting myself to a BYO-date at an event full of men in suits sounded about as appealing as the mysterious “mixed seafood” option on the reply card.

[Places check mark -- and several exclamation points -- next to STEAK; pats self on back; chooses dress that will not burst at the seams from copious consumption thereof]

Attending a wedding alone is a lot like doing anything else alone, except that it generally costs a lot more money and is way more likely to stir up suicidal tendencies if you’re anything less than happily uncoupled. You’ll be surrounded, not just by the couple of the hour, but by generations of other couples: their adorable grandparents, their clique of friends half-jokingly asking each other who’s next, the flower girl and ring bearer, the wacky aunt and Husband Number Four (or Is It Five?). You’ve got to be made of some pretty stern stuff to stare all of that sap right in the face and then politely order a glass of champagne instead of a double gin martini, hold the olives, if you please, they’re just going to take the edge off of my buzz and I need every precious nerve-dulling bit of it, ok, barkeep??

The fact is, I’ve actually had a lot of fun (and a few flings) attending weddings alone. Beyond an iron constitution, here are a few other things you’ll want to pack to guarantee yourself the same success:

Your Morning After Purse. Sure, cocktail purses are adorable. They’re also the territory of women whose dates have pockets. You’re flying solo here, Earhart, so bring whatever you think you’ll need, whether that’s breath mints or clean undies or condoms or lip gloss or a flask or all of the above. (...it’s all of the above.)

Singles. Not, like, “all the single ladies” (though, yes, you can expect to be forced to dance to that song with all of the nearly engaged women and their promise rings, all the while thinking to yourself: These bitches don’t know what single IS. Talk to me when you’re the only one in your apartment staring down a spider at 2 a.m.!) I’m talking about dolla dolla bills, y’all. Because when it comes to making a friend at a wedding, Target Number One is the bartender, and tipping generously is the way to do it. I like to start with a $5 or a $10 early in the night, so he remembers me, then slip him a couple of singles for every subsequent drink. Come last call, guess who’s the only one getting topped off while the caterers break down? Hint: it’s not the bride’s Uncle Diamond Jim who talked a big game all night and never left a dime on the bartop. Plus, it is a known fact that bartenders are hot. Like, a disproportionate number of them.

A Topiary Worth Watering. Even if you’re not planning on getting lucky, you’d be amazed at how often hastily cobbled couples slip upstairs between the first dance and the cake. Whatever it is you do to your private parts to make yourself feel enticing, do that. Who knows who might want to take a stroll through your garden after dark? I myself once successfully landed a groomsman strictly on the confidence of my post-vacation bikini wax. Fun fact: we couldn’t figure out how to make the clock radio work, so we ended up boning with Fox News for ambiance. If you’re a liberal, and he is, too, this is a great way to make sure that you both make enough noise to drown out the commentary.

A Conversation Starter. And I’m not talking about “How ‘bout them Yankees?” (though you’d be surprised how well that actually works at New York-area weddings). Know something about the location, whether it’s your hometown or a destination. Chances are you’re going to be seated with at least a few people you’ve never met before, and the location of the wedding is instant common ground. Google is your friend here. On a lake? Know its name and a fun fact about its history. In a city? There’s definitely a major sports team you can reference. Down in the tropics? Bust out your home remedy for sunburn or mention the cute café you visited for a coffee before the ceremony. Being the fun guest that people remember is as simple as being able to talk to everyone without bringing up religion or politics.

A Hotel Room. Non-negotiable. Sure, it’s expensive, but having a room of your own when it’s all over – whether you have company or not – transforms the night from a sullen meal among strangers into a playful prelude to the real vacation. Which could just as easily be a frisky all-nighter or a soak in the tub and a sprawled-out night’s sleep among high thread-count sheets. Stock your room with a bottle of booze (instead of raiding the costly minibar), and you’ve just guaranteed that the after-party, should you so choose, will come to you.

A Disposable Camera. Everyone will be focusing on the photographer, and you’ll be snapping cute candids of the bride’s mother dabbing her mascara in the restroom after the ceremony or her little cousins stealthily pocketing everyone else’s favors when their tables are called up to the buffet. It will give you something to do while everyone else is slow-dancing, instead of the ever-appealing “sitting here by myself, trying to look bored” routine. And if you find yourself a bedfellow, you can shoot an album to remember them by; if not, you’ll have a brilliant first anniversary gift for your friends.