TueDuesday: "Fly Me to the Moon," In Tune: On Karaoke

Welcome back to TueDuesday: A Weekly Series on Self Improvement (and Self Preservation), where I’ll share some of the hard-earned tips and tricks that have made their way up my sleeve after well over a decade of living alone in the city. 

TueDuesday goes out to all of you who have ever bravely moved into your very own apartment, only to encounter a cockroach the size of a well-fed hamster.  Barefoot.  In the middle of the night.  To all the ambitious drinkers who ever wanted to score the bartender’s number (and to the many of us who have failed, only to bravely try again).  To the pasta fiends.  To the Facebook lurkers.  To the happy, the hopeful, and the possibly hung-over guys and gals like me, navigating the city streets – or the country roads – without benefit of a map or a significant other.  Whether you’re chronically single, newly separated or happily coupled up and just looking for a way to make the occasional table for one a little more fun, there’s something here for you.

Like what you see?  Pass it along!  Strongly disagree?  Say so in the comments!  (Respectfully, please; after growing up with the last name Blewett, my ego can only take so much.)  Have an idea for a future TueDuesday post?  Send it over!  And keep in touch, via Twitter @LeahKBlewett and Instagram @leahkblewett.

Happy TueDuesday!

TueDuesday, April 21, 2015

“Fly Me to the Moon,” In Tune: On Karaoke

Last week’s TueDuesday was more for the ladies (though, fellas, I hope at least a few of you reconsidered what you stock in your bathroom and added, for example, a towel).  But this week, I’m going all-inclusive.  Men and women alike.  Dogs and cats.  Living together.  Mass hysteria!

This week, we’re answering the age-old question, something that gets asked at least as often – and is usually of far greater importance – than “What can I do to make my lips look like Kylie Jenner’s?”  (Seriously, don’t do this) 

That’s right, kids: “What should I sing?”

If you know me at all, you’ll recall that I’m something of a connoisseur of karaoke.  Blame any number of factors: an especially musical parent; back seat childhood sing-alongs to Fraggle Rock; 21-year-old Leah’s penchant for fruity drinks poured by attractive men at a friend’s barbecue joint during Tuesday Night Rock’n’Roll Karaoke.  (Come to think of it, these are all probably equally responsible for my tendency to break into song with the barest whisper of encouragement, pitch be damned.)  So as a seasoned Karaoke Junkie, I’m here to help you do it right.

Successful karaoke demands only a few things:

1. Know your voice.

Nothing’s more painful than listening to an alto struggle through “Love on Top” (something I’m not proud to admit that I found out the hard way), and if you’ve never successfully rapped before, I can’t recommend making your maiden voyage happen in a room full of drunks who probably know the words better than you do.  Surely, there are a couple of fun songs that are within your range.  Stick to those and leave the vocal exercises for your shower.  Your neighbors might not thank you, but your fellow bar-goers will.  (Incidentally: this goes double in New York, where the odds that there’s at least one Broadway performer at the bar are actually better than the odds that the bartender hates his fucking job on karaoke night with the fire of 1,000 burning suns.)

2. Know your audience.

Speaking of ways to make the bartender hate you: there are some songs that need never be sung at karaoke again.  We’ve all heard them, we’ve all hated them, and we’ve all rolled our eyes when their titles flash up on the screen.  You probably already know the songs I’m talking about, but lists are all the rage – and frankly, it bears making this moratorium absolutely clear – so:

   - “Bohemian Rhapsody”  This has never sounded good at karaoke.  Ever.

   - “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”  Cute for about 3 minutes.  Miserable for the other 17.

   - “Don’t Stop Believing”  I HAVE STOPPED BELIEVING AND NO AMOUNT OF COORS-SOAKED CATERWAULING WILL CHANGE MY MIND.

   - “Rehab”  You are not Amy Winehouse.  And honestly, even Amy Winehouse never sounded especially good singing this song.  If you absolutely must: “Valerie.” 

   - “Nothing Compares 2 U”  Nothing compares 2 the pain U are inflicting on everyone’s ears.  Quit harshing our mellow, man; this is a karaoke bar, not a solo showcase.

   - “Piano Man”  My own unnaturally capacious love for Billy Joel notwithstanding, this is not a karaoke song.  It is meant to be sung loudly and badly by 18,000 New Yorkers in Madison Square Garden, and that is all there is to it.

3. Commit.

I cannot overstate the importance of this:  Sell.  Your.  Song.  Not sure you can hit all the notes?  Throw in some sweet dance moves.  Fuzzy on the lyrics?  Make something up.  Sick of everyone at the bar singing over you because you picked one of the songs I forbade you to pick above?  Out-sing those motherfuckers.  You’re the one with the mic, you’ve waited your turn, and for the next 3 minutes, you are the star of the bar.  Now there’s a title for the ol’ resume.

Geez, you still want more help?  Okay.  In no particular order: Karaoke Troubleshooting

I gave the DJ my song an hour ago, and it’s still not my turn!

Was your song a) awful, b) illegible, or c) already sung tonight?  Can’t help you.  But my buddy Andrew Jackson can usually increase your chances of getting your mitts on a mic.  The person running this shitshow lugs heavy, expensive equipment from bar to bar and then lets drunk people use it all night.  They’ll still be at the bar breaking down long after you’ve stumbled into the subway.  Throw a little cash their way, and Whoa!  Hey!  Would you look at that? I’m next!

I really want to sing a duet, and none of my friends will join me!

Come on, karaoke night is made for making new friends.  Pick a singer who sounded good and make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse (read: buy them a drink if they’ll be June to your Johnny).

When I signed up, my voice sounded great, but now I’m hoarse / drunk / shy!

Choose a quiet moment at the booth and ask the DJ to change your song.  If you honestly know that you’re too drunk to sing, save everyone involved the trouble and pretend not to hear your name when it’s called.  As for shy, all I can say is: sack up.  This is karaoke, kiddo.